Pick on Someone Your Own Size
by Hawki
Summary: Giants Oneshot: "Pick on someone your own size." It's a common phrase when defending people from bullies. But what happens when that bully is a giant? What happens when they're technically not a bully? What happens when there's no-one their size to pick on? Well, what happens is mud, cows, magic beans, and fart jokes. Go figure.


**Pick on Someone Your Own Size**

"Oi you! Pick on someone your own size!"

The giant looked at her. The farmer at the giant's mercy looked at her. And while it could have been her imagination, Imma could swear that the cow on its way into the giant's sack was looking at her as well. Or at least it had turned its head around.

"You heard me!" she exclaimed. "Stand up and fight brigand!"

Scratch that, the cow was _definitely_ looking at her. Almost like the other cow did when she bought those magic beans off that shady salesman. As if to say "don't do it! Some moron traded me for these beans, and what do you think happened?!" Probably had the right idea too, since the beans she'd bought had only proven themselves to be musical fruit in more ways than one.

"Eh?" the giant said.

"I said to pick on-"

Imma let out an "eep" as the giant leant down to her face. "I heard ya," he said. "Just…ya know ya stupeed right?"

"Stupid? I…" Imma trailed off, looking down at the farmer below her. "You just gonna stand there?" she exclaimed.

"He's right," the farmer said. "You are stupid."

The giant chuckled, letting out the scent of something that made Imma feel ill. Apparently the farmer agreeing with him was enough to convince him to drop her down.

_Sycophants._

Actually, it seemed that everyone this side of the beanstalk was a sycophant. Jack was a sycophant who'd do anything for Angelina, even if she had her eyes set on that Marco fellow. Everyone else was a sycophant because they were willing to let giants take their crops and/or livestock based on the principle that the giants would defend them from the supposed dangers of the world.

"Ya cute ya know," the giant said suddenly, causing Imma to stumble and fall."I like ya."

_Ugh. _

Imma got to her feet, brushed the mud off her jeans, and picked up her sword. A rusty sword she'd stolen from a blacksmith, but a sword nonetheless. Shrugging, the giant put the last cow in his bag and started walking away.

"Coward! Brigand!" She started running after him despite the protests of the farmer. She started trying to put the sword into his hairy foot. "I'm not done with you!"

The giant stopped moving, so at least he was feeling the sword. Or maybe he'd just heard her voice, she didn't know. He put the bag down on the ground, which Imma noticed was quite quiet for something that held half a dozen cows in it. Maybe they'd accepted their fate in all this too. Maybe she was the only one willing to challenge it. That, and not turn her mother into a bear in the process.

"Why ya doin' that?" the giant asked.

"Because…because you…" Imma trailed off. She wanted to say "because you're a thief," but that didn't work because the farmer had given the giant his cattle freely. She wanted to say "you're a brigand," but now that she thought of it, she couldn't actually define what a brigand was. And she'd finally settled on saying "because you're a giant," but then the giant actually picked her up. And she thought two things. Firstly, saying "because you're a giant" was prejudicial, and she didn't want to be known for that. Secondly, a giant had picked her up. And that was bad news.

"Ya not nice ya knew," the giant said. And given the look in those eyes that were as large as she was, Imma could tell he meant it. "Commenting about ma seize."

"Oh yeah?" Imma sneered, though also struggling to breathe. "Then why do you go throwing it around? Why not pick on someone your own size?!"

"Cause no-one round here _is _ma seize."

Imma blinked. "What?"

The giant shed a tear that fell into the field, ruining a square metre of corn. "No giants like me. They're mean to me." He dropped Imma into the corn and ignored her yelp. "No-one likes me…"

Imma let out an expletive that was followed by the sound of birds flying off from a tree. This wasn't how it was supposed to go! She was meant to get on the giant's neck, plunge her sword through it, save the day, and…well, fairy tales ended with that, so she wasn't sure what she was meant to do _after _saving the day, only that she was meant to do it. But apart from taking the cattle (which again, had been given freely), the giant hadn't really done anything villainous.

"But, you took the cattle…" she murmured, deciding that given freely or not, the cattle were her only means of pressing home her point. "Just cause you're a giant and you have a supposed right to our livestock and crops doesn't mean-"

"Don't worry, I'll give them a gud homes," the giant said, picking up the sack again.

"What, in your stomach?"

"What?' Na, I'm a vege…vegi…veg…vee…"

"Vegetarian?"

"Ya," the giant nodded. "I take cows as pets."

"Oh," Imma said, wondering about that, and why cows seemed to be the only farm animals around here apart from chickens that laid golden eggs. "Right."

"Well, see ya," the giant said, waving his hand. "Nice meeting ya."

Imma remained silent as the giant pounded off, ruining even more corn and letting out something from his rear that made a bird fall out of the sky. Slowly, she fingered her sword. Maybe the giant was right, she told herself. Maybe there was a lesson to be learnt. Maybe…maybe true heroes had to pick on people their own size before taking on the larger fish.

_You sure that's the moral? _a voice asked.

_Shut up. _Imma sheathed the sword. First thing she'd do was to steal another one. A better one.

Second thing to do was to test it out on that salesman. That would show him.


End file.
